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I ate mountains for breakfast on Wednesday, have been dealing with my insanity since the day after Easter, now its Sunday and the spoiler is, its all good.  Wednesday’s run was incredible.  I really have come a long way since I started training again the day after Easter.  I had been waiting and waiting to train again and what was really working against me was that it was too dark in the morning to get out on the trail and I need to organize and redecorate this apartment because it is starting to show its age and is devolving into squalor. This is depressing me to the point of paralysis.  Add to that economic woes and debt, it should be easy to see why I was suffering from lack of motivation.  Multiply  that by  having my heart broken for eternity, my loneliness and despair, all that was accreting on me physically, psychically, emotionally and spiritually made it difficult to see the chink where I could begin picking away at the hard horny growths of psychic armor that were manifesting themselves as clutter, fat and overwhelming debt.  Dividing  all of that shitty baggage and reducing it down to my essential self is what I’m working on on the trail.

I said on Wednesday that I was both running to and running from.  I exist in the tension between.  To and From are both psychic beasts, and I hold them on leashes of intention.  I am trying to get them to heel so I can run in the lead, master those beasts, conquer the mountains that I set before me.  I can not have one or the other drag me down into the abysses of the Should Have Done, and suffer the embarassment of being a poor master of myself while letting mindless instinct or disingenuous avoidance control me.

So on Wednesdays, when I got home from the trail I set timers to chime and give myself an hour in each room organizing.  It soon became apparent that an hour in each room wasn’t going to be enough and that I did need to take breaks in between to twit and have a beer.  Eventually, I was worn out and could do all I could do that day to be effective.   There would be no more gain from trying to work in the state I was in.  Thursday, I woke up impressed, I had actually made an impact, but had a full day at work and was going to finish it that night.  At work I was the most booked ever, to the point where I had 4 operations going on simultaneously.  I have to say that my assistants worked it out for me.  Towards the end of the day I wanted to go out for a drink with Oscar, its getting to be our Thursday night ritual, our work debrief.

On our way to ChapsII, Oscar was lauding me about the sensible advice I was giving him about his relationships he’s dealing with now.  I was happy that I made sense to him, but I told him how I was feeling vulnerable, the depression I was (!) dealing with and how I really hold all of my emotions inside.  See, I don’t really share alot of my inner feelings with people.  Generally, I like to be perceived as an optimist; an all around positive persona is what I choose to present in public.  But I confessed my process:  how projecting this persona is an immense and exhausting strain, to the point where I’m happy and upbeat all day and come home and shut down totally.  Then at home when I reflect on my inability to cope, it depresses me more.  I see all the drag on the floor and the fucken cockroaches, dirty paint and soiled carpet and I’m like, drink Vodka watch TV, forget it about, repeat.

So I asked Oscar if he knows what I’m feeling and if that has ever happened to him and he’s like: “No!”  Shaming me just enough to motivate me and making me aware its just not cool to live like that.

So I stayed afterwards and enjoyed another drink with friends who showed up and a nice bootshine, came home, passed out on the couch, woke up at 5 am thinking, if anybody can do this its me.  I spent an hour in each room, swept, mopped, vacuumed and threw some old drag and my last boyfriends shit in the trash, looked around and was amazed that my flat actually looked presentable. 

I guess I was suffering from being extremely self defeated.  I had really gotten into Feng Shui and had  began to sort out my life and my apartment got it somewhat together then suffered extreme karmic blow back.  I received an extreme financial setback.  I had a debt called on and it put me in the black every paycheck for 3 months up until now.  I am still like one bill behind, but I am slowly catching up.  What happened was I started sorting out my business, was doing well, and then I relapsed back into depressing tired behaviours.  I had a little breakthrough and I need to maintain the balance, stay aware and realize that if anybody is capable of overcoming craziness, its me.

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2 Comments

  1. Thanks for sharing this post. Feel that I get to know you more and more, in bits and pieces.

  2. Of course, me being so sensitive the Universe Reflects. My Twittascope accurately is stating what I’m going through in MAINTAIN THE BALANCE. Good news, Its me and I’m expert.

    My Twittascope: Capricorn

    You are not a stranger to having an approach-avoidance conflict as you vacillate between fully engaging with someone you love and withdrawing into your own world. But today you can successfully do both. You want to open your heart and yet you’re also mindful of necessary boundaries. Keep bringing your mind back to that point where comfort and discomfort meet. It’s here, at these metaphysical borders that real magic happens. Tuesday, June 16, 2009


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