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Up in the wee hours for Sunrise Yoga at 5:45 am in the Castro and it is still raining like hell.  Still dark too, but I manage to get it together, putting a pair of running tights under the same jeans I’ve been wearing all week to make stripping for class a whole lot easier. Park underground in the structure, taking time to point my car towards the exit so I can spend less time maneuvering out and head up to class.

I don’t know what happened to my canteen, if I forgot it at the SOMA Gold’s yesterday but it had my gym pass attached to it.  I check in and front desk issues me a new pass and takes my photograph one more time.  I spent last night in some pain so I don’t think my smile looked as fresh as it did on Tuesday even though I was wearing the same outfit.  Strip down to my yoga clothes a black cut off t from Keller’s, a fisting bar in the Bastille of Paris, and black Adidas tights.  Lock up my street clothes and go into class.

Take care to sit on some of those Mexican blankets cos my ass is hurting me something bad.  Same regulars, maybe a few more faces.  Get through the yoga routine, fairly pleased at myself for overcoming adversity, change out and drive to Walgreen’s on 18th Street for some hemorrhoid creme.

I’m thinking I got to have hemorrhoids.  I may have had some anal discomfort in the past but nothing like this.   When I was at work for a training last night, my mentee commented that I was walking funny.  I really didn’t know what was going on, just thinking perhaps I had just been working out too hard.  Down the incontinence aisle I settled on the Walgreen’s generic version of a hemorrhoid suppository because this ass pain was deep inside and not just on the surface.  It also had cocoa butter and shark liver oil, very Polynesian, but maybe using shark for this purpose is not so sustainable or ethical.  So suppositories in the bag, I went home to have some coffee, shower and stick one up my ass before putting on my uniform and heading for work.

I continued to become more inflamed and in pain as the day wore on.  I think I tried doing 2 more suppositories but by 4 oclock, being steady booked, I had to call Urgent Care and figure out was going on.  The questions with the nurse made me nervous and she was insisting that I should be seen right away, but I didn’t want to leave and have to reschedule my clients so I just muscled through the rest of the day as best as I could.  We set up a Dr. phone appointment but he called early and I missed his call.  When I listened to the voice mail he left me he sounded like a dick.

So as soon as I could I called back and got an appointment with a Dr. at Kaiser the next morning.  The dickish Dr. who left me a voice mail was available, so I chose the other Dr. available.  I informed my manager that I wouldn’t be coming to work tomorrow because of my appointment and tried to explain off my hemorrhoid as, hopefully just a workout injury or a hernia.  The girls were trying to give a diagnosis but I wasn’t ready to share that is was a pain way up in my ass.

Got home and finally got the courage to bend over and look at it and I was all, “oh no, oh no.” I had a ‘rhoid the size and shape of Alaska.

That Friday morning I wake up in so much pain, I can hardly walk.  It was even hard to get in my car, but I managed and drove myself down to Kaiser.  Walked really slowly, in the drizzle to check in for my appointment.  Was seen by a pregnant Dr. thinking “Oh great, I’m sure she’s thrilled to stick her finger up in my ass.”  I must have scared her, I don’t think she ever saw a hemorrhoid like that before and she said it was probably a perio-rectal abscess and scheduled an appointment with a specialist to have it lanced.  She assured me that once it drained I would feel relief and I was happy that when I asked how to manage the pain she prescribed Vicodin, warning me not too drive my car on it.  Grateful I didn’t have another Dr. Polanski episode with her prescribing baby Tylenol or some shit.  I called in to work sick the next day explaining I was to have a procedure. Then I picked up my prescription for Vicodin and a steroid suppository, Anucort and with a few hours to kill drove to Japan Town to have a sashimi lunch as a treat for myself from my favorite restaurant there, Sapporo-Ya.

Parked some blocks away and struggled up Fillmore Street with my torn up ass.  Took the elevator to the restaurant on the second floor and when the hostess saw me coming, limping the way I was, she generously sat me in a booth instead of a chair at a table for two.  It was nice to have this moment to myself and take my mind off of getting my ass cut open.  I took a bit of sashimi home with me for later and drove back again to Kaiser.

After checking in I was called by an orderly pretty much right off, but I was sitting down and could barely stand up.  I was really ready to call for a wheel chair.  The orderly wasn’t about to give me a hand and help me up.  Whatever.  Dick.  I’m put in a room and asked to strip from the waist down.  I tell him it may take awhile and struggle out of my Coach boots and my camoflauge BDU’s.

The Specialist comes in as I’m still undressing and we exchange greetings and he asks me whats going on.  Finally I’m arranged sideways on the table and he spreads my cheeks and he says its “just a hemorrhoid.”  I’m thinking, “Just? This is fucking an epic in ass pain!” then the specialist goes on to describe how he can lance it “if I want…” but am registering the trepidation in his voice so I’m all “wait a minute, lets have a consult.

So it turns out its not a perio-rectal abscess like the pregnant Dr. said, its a fucken hemorrhoid.  The Specialist didn’t want to lance it because he said they tend to bleed alot and a lot of blood and pus comes out.  He explained that it would be better to let it burst itself and I was kind of grateful that I didn’t have to have a scalpel ripping at my anus.  He told me how to take care of it, sitz bath (my ghetto solution for this is a classic) or heat pads.  He also recommended that I keep my stool soft, Metamucil and to not push or strain when taking a dump or cutting a fart.  I was wondering if I could have cut my ass with a crab shell from that Cricket Risotto I made earlier and he was all no, definitely not.  Then I kind of realized how rich the risotto was and how I was pushing it out and pretty much that’s problem solved.

Got home, got myself drugged up stuck my ass in a bucket of hot salty water over the toilet and hoped for the best.

I was laying on the couch wrapped up in blankets with a heat pad under my ass trying to make myself as comfortable.  It got late and I retired to the bed.  The pain was increasing exponentially and I couldn’t fall asleep.  I was taking a Vicodin every 20 minutes or half hour or so and I still couldn’t sleep.  I was afraid I was having another Dr. Polanski moment being dangerously under prescribed and on the verge of overdosing, I probably was, but then I probably built up a tolerance to Vicodin because I was on it 2 months ago for my burns.  In the meanwhile I tweeted my anger and was getting some support from friends still up on facebook.  By 4 am I realized that I couldn’t continue taking the Vicodin because I had to sober up enough to drive myself back to Kaiser.

I called the Urgent Care line again, its on speed dial on my iPhone, and complained about my pain to the nurse operator.  She set up another phone appointment at 9:30 in the morning.  So basically I’m just tweeting in pain, then I decide to write a blog post to channel my frustration and divert my attention now that the sun came up.  This settled me for awhile, and then I went to go lay on the couch with the heat pad under my ass.  The phone call came late, so I called to find out if my appointment was forgotten, but no, I was still in the window.  Then I sense a pop and experience relief and feel thick moisture between my ass.  I feel it and its slimey.  Go to the mirror and bend over and take a look and yes, there is blood and pus coming out my ass.  Great.

The Dr finally calls and she sounds very concerned.  I explain to her how in the time I was waiting for her call that the ‘rhoid popped on its own.  She’s happy about this and tells me I should be feeling so much better.  Admittedly, I am but I was hoping to get a stronger painkiller.  In fact, she tells me I should quit taking the Vicodin.  I ask her when I can work out again and she comments that looking at my chart, too much working out could have caused some of the strain that led to the hemorrhoid and I should wait a week before doing yoga, running or going to the gymnasium.  That’s cool, in a week I’ll be back up at Harbin celebrating Bob’s 42nd birthday and I’ll be free to run the trails and do yoga there.


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