ANGST AND ENNUI

Recent weeks, 3 now really, have been characterized by low spirits and a struggle with angst and ennui.  Today I’m feeling the crest of it, or am I feeling the depths of these lows?  Not sure really and don’t know if I’m working through it or succumbing to it.  Depression is nothing new to me and the serrated edge of angst only cuts me with superficial perforations, leaving some wounds to seep and most skin intact, therefore I can put on appearances…  A bit of pain and the roller coaster of anxiety, an ill ride in a bemusement park, creepily clinging and preventing me from getting out.  There is no escape, the gates are closing.  Finding shelter in a run down haunted house because that is the least scariest place to spend the night.

Muscling through in the gym and for a change being able to go there for more than just a shower.  Incorporating a routine with machines and am getting some results.  The Black Metal pumping in my ears always gets me up as does the physical exertion, too bad the feeling doesn’t last and once I’m back in my flat I’m just as desultory as before.

Having a training partner does help.  It gets me out of my doldrums because I feel responsible for coaching this athlete.  I know that I learn more from teaching and I am altruistic by nature so this does feed my spirit.  Interesting to see my athlete outpacing me, must be the sign of a good coach.  Still it was difficult to keep up with feet sore  stomping around the South of Market Friday night in  high heels and drag and then the next night in the Mission in cruelly fitting motorcycle boots and full leather.

Warriors Choice Yoga on Sunday made the choice to not go because the class is being subbed. This promulgated fears of Naked Yoga For Men being subbed and so I decided not to go altogether.  On the phone with J54o and he mentions the shit I’m going through at work which I had completely forgotten about over the weekend flaring up a whole new round of frustration and anger.

But then a friend comes to the rescue and invites me to go see the Michael Schenker Group in Santa Clara later that evening.  I pick up @chefjames2 in the Contour and we drive out.  We’re not on the guest list but he soon takes care of that.  I’m watching the Legend Himself on his Flying V and there is absolutely no question about his virtuosity.  Furthermore, psychedelic and rock legend Carmine Appice is on the drums and I take a stand behind the sound board to immerse myself in his playing and to get learned.  After the gig we get backstage and I meet the whole band except for Michael because he’s artistic, moody and a Capricorn like myself and I completely understand.  Its been rough on SeaGoats ever since the eclipse in our sign when the shit started coming down.  Too dark for a picture on my iPhone with the band backstage having beers but I’m blown away by sharing their presence nevertheless.

To torn by too many plans and the best thing is to just unravel the strands and do what offers the least resistance.  In bed until 12noon cancel this, at 1 that possibility of going to Lady Ga Ga gets cancelled then I’m about done with my coffee and pick a trail to get something in that I’m trepidatious about feeling I can do.

Decided to do a loop in the Presidio starting on Lovers’ Lane.  Really had to settle down and relax in the Contour before I even hit the trail due to the utter lack of motivation that I am feeling.  Still I was at the trailhead and after settling down got myself good to go.  New playlist, ~AXIOM OF NORDIC BLACK METAL~ loaded in my Shuffle and the succor of Metal rushes in to soothe my soul.  My romantic heart so easily crushed and disappointed. My expectations so high my valor the mirror face of gullibility.  My legs trained and smarter than my brain glad for whatever intuition gave them reprieve of a downhill start and soon finding my pace and heart rate as I cruise the familiar trails of the Presidio with all of the intentions of a masochist expecting penance from tough enduring.

• 16 August 2010
• 3:35 – 4:59pm
• 1:24:31
• 12:10 avg. pace
• 4.93 avg. speed
• 850 feet climbed
• 979 calories burned